Kathy's Therapeutic Drawings

These photos may look like a child drew them but they mean the world to me. They were drawn after EMDR sessions with my NON-DOMINANT hand. (hence the childish look to them). Each of these photos hung proudly in my bathroom for 9 months until we moved to our new home. They were meticulously taken down and saved. I would joke that each drawing was worth approx. $150, because that is how much an EMDR session costs us!

Help!

This was drawn in my first EMDR session. After I visualize Trey in a coffin while in my 'happy place', I am asked to draw a picture of where I thought I was at. This drawing depicts me underwater wearing a heavy backpack or burden. Tracy is above wanting to help me but he can't reach me.

The Rescue

These two separate pictures were drawn during the same EMDR session as the first. The larger of the two shows Tracy trying to pull me out of the water but he can't. I'm asked what is in the backpack. I say, evil is in there, what they did is in there, a monster is in there, she is in there, lies and deceipt. It is pointed out that I am not participating in the rescue. I am not helping! I was told I must help in the rescue. The second

drawing (in pink) shows that I took off the backpack and let it fall into the abyss. I use my own upper body strength to help pull me out of the water. My hands are on the dock and I actively participate in my rescue.

The Reunion

Tracy and I embrace on the dock once we are reunited. Strength, Love, Hope, Safety, Success, and Courage were the feelings I felt after the rescue.

Celebration

This party is a little premature but needed by both. Although we made it through the first hurdle of our recovery we were far from out of the woods / ocean! I was often given a sheet of paper with different feelings on it and I was to talk about the ones that related to where I was at.

Snap out of it!

In a session I obsessively compare myself to Hannah. My therapist says, "Enough is Fucking Enough"! I look up shocked and we both start laughing. I say, "I'm writing that down". This mantra helped to remind me I am enough to all I come in contact with. I am significant! I am enough, I am Kathy Cooks.

Too Close...

I show the closeness Tracy and I are building by us facing eachother. What I realized after drawing is that we aren't safe on the beach. A monster (or the backpack) is too close. We need to leave the beach to heal and grow stronger together.

Fortress of Solitude

We move off the beach and build a new life together. We trek over mountains which signify the hard work we both put into our marriage. Bitterness was still on the beach. There still was a struggle with rage and bitterness in my veins, but we were building something new.

Dinner Time

Tracy and I facing each other, holding hands, as I write down words of affirmation that show how my healing is making me stronger that I was before.

Meet Alice and Neo

I learned through this process that I relate to the world around me through music and movies. I would stare into the oblivion and contemplate for weeks on particular scenes or lyrics. Relating to fictional characters helped me feel connected. I had a choice to make on

this epic quest of mine. I could take the red pill and go back to bed. Bury my head in the proverbial sand of life. Or I could take the blue pill and visit Alice and all her friends in Wonderland. I choose the incredibly hard journey of self-discovery. I was now Wide Awake.

Goodbye my friend

Mourning the loss of Hannah was extemely difficult and it took four years until I no longer missed her in my life. The strange part of the mourning process was realizing we never had the frriendship I thought we had. Our friendship grew because I was being taken advantage of. The realization that it was not the deep friendship I

thought we shared was heart wrenching. Her betrayal crushed my spirit and I struggled to make sense of how someone could use me in this way. Trusting women is much more difficult for me than trusting men.

Visiting the scene
of the crime....

As I became stronger mentally, we were able to visit the memories or scene more frequently. I was able to connect with the past. Hannah was no longer in every memory. The pain was being erased. She was still in the memory but it no longer had the sensitive charge it once had. Tracy and I were moving forward in our life and she could no

longer manipulate me. I was in control of my future. We could now go to the water's edge and feel safe. The healing process took years; eventually, I was able to go in the water unafraid of what could be below the surface.